Due Date UpDate

*sigh*

So, Thursday night we did... that thing... you know, that got us into this situation! and there was some bleeding... Alright, there was a lot of bleeding. The kind of bleeding you don't just sit around and wait to stop. We went straight to the hospital where they hooked me up and checked me out. Baby sounded terrific! His heart rate was only a tiny bit slower than normal (and totally within healthy range) but I was contracting. I had NO idea! I didn't really believe the nurse at first; she showed me the tape, put her hand on my belly and said, "see there it is, feel your stomach." Sure enough, it was hard as a rock and Baby wasn't moving! Once it finished he freaked out and the nurses thought he was so cute! They were very impressed by his leg strength! We had to hang around for a while until the hospital's OB was able to come in (my OB didn't think it was necessary for her to come see me). She finally came in about 45 minutes later and checked everything out. The bleeding had slowed and wasn't coming from anything really important but I was 70% effaced and between one and 2cm. They wanted me to walk around for an hour and see if there were any changes. We protested. I talked to the nurse and told her even if I were in labor we'd be going home once they checked me. We want most of our laboring to happen at home, not in the hospital. She called my OB and gave us the go ahead to go home, get some sleep, and come into the office in the morning.

Friday morning I had an appointment with my primary care about an echo I had had the week before. Everything looked terrific! When the nurse took my blood pressure though she was surprised my how high it was and asked if I had trouble with it. I said, "no, I may be in labor though." She was stunned, "what are you going to do now?" I told her I was going across the hall as soon as I was done there. When I got across the hall I had to see one of the OB partners, mine was at the hospital. I really really liked this OB. She gave me terrific compliments and told me, based on what she was seeing, that my labor would be a breeze! The bad news? There is always bad news for us... My strep B culture came back positive. It could amount to nothing or it could cause infection in me and/or the baby and we could both die. Good thing I didn't know that the night before, they may not have let me go! She said it's no big deal, I just have to come in sooner and get antibiotics ever four hours. I said, "oh, it's a big deal..." "What's the problem?" "I one time passed out when my mom was getting an IV placed... I take a Xanax every time I get blood taken... If I have to get an IV I'm going to be so stressed my body is going to shut down and I'm going to need pitcocin and an epidural and in the end I'm going to have to have a cesarean because I can't handle all those needles!!!" She told me they may be able to give me a little Valium before placing the IV (once she looked it up though she found out it's not an option, big surprise), and I'll be fine. She sent me home with an IV catheter so we could "become friends" and told me to familiarize myself with the process so I won't be so creeped out! The cath is on the table and sometimes I pick my teeth with it!

As of this morning, things are moving pretty slowly, but I've got a chiropractic appointment (which can induce labor) and a friend coming to help me clean... We're shooting for lots of labor inducing activity! I'd like to have this baby out by the weekend, but who knows? He's been on his own time line all along! Still, he's been fantastic through the whole thing!

Pray for Ismael

Saying Goodbye

He was a week and a half old...

This is Ismael. Ismael was born at the Village of Hope in Morocco while I was there in 2005. He was conceived by his unwed mother during a rape. She is an illegitimate woman, as low as you can go in an Arab world. Her first child, a baby girl, was sold. The two babies share a father, oddly enough, and he is the one who sold her. No one knew she was pregnant. She left her village under the guise of visiting family. She stayed at the Village for a month before she delivered. I lived with her and a French girl named Sofie. I cannot describe the unbelievable language barrier we had between us for those weeks we occupied the same space! Still, we loved each other. Although it wasn't much of a surprise, it was a tremendous honor when she asked Sofie and me to name her little boy. Ismael means "God listens." I have to remind myself that that is the reason we picked his name. I was so sure in those first few months of his life that God was not listening.

She came to the orphanage for her own safety and for that of her precious cargo. She wanted him to have more than she did. The Village takes babies and puts them in families. There are three families at The Village. When Ismael was born two of the families had eight children (their max) and one had three (my little darlings) but no parents. The couple, who had committed to living in Morocco with the soul purpose of raising eight orphans to adulthood in a Christ centered home, left. I can't judge them. It is a huge task, I couldn't do it. But their departure is the source of my heart ache. When I visited, the three little ones (ages 2-5) were being taken care of by two women, one from Canada and one from England. They stayed for years until a couple was found who would take their place. There is a family in that house now, praise God, but back then...

It was decided that the two of them should not take on an infant before parents were found. I discussed taking Ismael home with me with the leaders at the Village, but not being Muslim made it impossible for me to adopt him legally. My sweet little Ismael stayed in the care of Sofie and an English woman who showed up mere days before I left until he was almost a month old. After Sofie left he was sent to a private orphanage in a nearby village. This orphanage has ties with the Village, but for some reason my contacts lost track of Ismael. Today is his birthday. He is four years old. I can keep track of how big he is (generally speaking) because he is only four days younger than my sweet little Kera! She is in preschool now. She has a personality three times bigger than her little frame and loves to color. I know they are not alike, but I wonder how Ismael is. I wonder if he is learning to write. I wonder if he feels loved and safe, but most of all I wonder if he has heard the truth about Jesus. He was born in The Village, a strong hold of Jesus in a vast dessert of lies. That has to mean something. It has to have some effect on his future. I prayed over his tiny body so hard those twelve days I had with him. But now, as I sit here carrying my own little boy, waiting to hold him in my arms, praying that he will know Jesus soon I cannot help feeling like God did not listen four years ago. He was there, in a little bastion of God's people and now... Only God knows.

But, we named him Ismael for a reason. God will listen. So, please, ask Him to protect this little boy. Ask Him to draw him, somehow to Himself.

35 and counting.

We're at 35 weeks... Well, 35 and a half! Every day counts now! Baby is getting big and very very strong. He has kept his feet on my right side since he was 20 weeks, which means he's in a very good position but I'm not sure my right ribs can take it much longer! I'm pretty sure he's been hooking his toes on the OUTSIDE of my rib... He has become much more personable with John but increasingly intolerant of Conley! I'm pretty sure it's because John touches while Conley squishes! We got back to yoga last week and he was pretty uncooperative there too! Next week we start our weekly OB check ups and they keep saying everything looks (sounds, feels) really good.... I'm a little concerned though, I had a couple Braxton Hicks about a month ago and not a one since! I keep warning my body that it's going to want to start practicing, or warming up or something! Nada. My only real concern is that my parents will be going home on the 6th of December... That's one week after he's due. Maybe I'll start jogging or taking the stairs... more... We'll see....

Time is NOT on our side!

We're to 34 weeks! That means we've got six to work with... John will be gone for a week for training (stateside), so really we've got five weeks... The paint is on the walls, the plumbing is fixed, the crib is on it's way, and we have a car seat to bring Baby home in! Good, great! But:

One of the advantages to registering at Babies R Us was their registry close-out program. When you close your registry you get 10% off everything left on it! We're super stoked about getting a break like that. We went to the store the other night to get the stroller/car seat and thought we'd ask about closing out our registry while we were there. Glad we asked! There's a catch we didn't notice in the fine print... You can't get the 10% until you get the coupon in the mail. They send out the coupons every two weeks, so depending on where our due date lies in their process we may not get our coupon until after Baby comes home!! I (being a bit on the compulsive, crazy side) wanted everything in the house by the beginning of November... Not only is that not going to work, it may be the beginning of December before we CAN get the rest of our baby crap!!

I think, though, I would have had more of a melt down if I wasn't so far along. Baby is big, and healthy, and he's coming! I WANT him to come! I want to see his little face. Also he's starting to become a bit of a nuisance at night, he likes to push his foot against the mattress as hard as he can. It was cute in the beginning, when "as hard as he can" wasn't all that hard, but he's getting strong now! I'm afraid he's going to kick a hole in my right side! Of course, on the bright side, he's getting bigger.... I mean, older. He responds to things now. He responds to John's touch and Conley's barking. When John reads to him he sticks his butt out as hard as he can! It takes my breath away (physically and otherwise)! We so cannot wait to meet him, hopefully he likes us!!

Guilt

Guilt is a funny emotion. It's range is as expansive as the heavens and it's source can be as varied as the shore. It is a good emotion. Guilt keeps us from doing stupid things, things that can hurt other people. Of course, if you're anything like me, guilt can come from nowhere for absolutely no reason... Or even very very bad reasons. What I don't know about guilt is how to get rid of it. I mean, if I hurt someone's feelings or step on the dog I know how to get rid of it: Fess up, be truly sorry, try to avoid those actions in the future. But what about the guilt that has no source, or worse, a source you can never EVER be sorry for. Such as, and I'm just throwing this out there, creating the life of a little boy you plan to love forever with every fiber of your being...? How is it even possible to feel guilty about carrying your child? I know (first hand) HOW it's possible, but why am I here? And that's the big question. Why am I here? My pregnancy would be inconsequential, completely neutral if I wasn't HERE. How many situations can YOU come up with where someone's pregnancy would actually inflict distress on another person? How is it that the best parts of my life make other people hide, find a new church, avoid common fellowship? Am I totally alone in this? Am I the only person in the world that can crush another person's spirit with my manifold blessings? I hate being an adult.

Bellytastic

26 Weeks

Here are the most recent belly shots! I feel like he's hit a growth spurt and is feeling extra greedy for space. When I look at pictures or diagrams of what's going on down there I think, "wow, I'm way bigger than that!" And women I don't know will say, "you're so tiny!" When they hear I'm only 26 weeks they say, "oh! You're going to have quite the belly!" No one in the medical community seems to care that I'm so big though... Of course, they don't have to push him out! Still, he's moving and healthy. He's a terrific listener, and super good company on those days I have absolutely nothing to do! We'll keep this good thing we've got for a long time, I think!

25 weeks and totally in love!

I love to see that baby’s face! He looks like a little person. He has an adorable little nose and a mouth that can already make expressions. Although, how, where, and when he moves provides much greater insight into his personality. He likes to sit low, where there is less space, I believe because it makes him feel safer. He moves quite a bit after we eat, and it’s generally just kicking around, which I think means he’s very happy about getting food! At night when I lay down he tosses and turns for quite a while (like I’ve always done), but once he’s settled in he sleeps like a rock! Literally... If I start out on my left side and he gets comfy in my right side when I turn over it’s like I’m leaning on a rock! It takes him a while to concede too: strong willed! In the morning when I have our tea and read my Bible he likes to stretch out a bit. He keeps his head down and puts his feet up by my right ribs. His hands will either be by his head, moving around or somewhere in the middle of my abdomen, it’s like his morning stretching routine! The craziest times are when I’ve been driving (or passengering) for a while. He turns sideways and puts his head in my left side and his bum in my right! I’m guessing he doesn’t like it very much. Oh, and then there’s EVERY time I use the bathroom! He takes this as an invitation to sit even lower... Get his head as close to the outside world as possible... I hope this isn’t a prequel to sunglasses, keys, toys, and clothes in the toilet! Just as long as he doesn’t baptize my jewelry! Of course, no matter what he’s doing, any time someone wants to feel him and places their hands over him he stops! I think he’s a very private person (hello, John Miller)!

I’m getting to know our little son more and more everyday. This feels like that really magical time John and I spent thousands of miles apart learning each other only through phone calls and emails. Seeing the ultrasound is like one of those infrequent, but surreal visits we had... When something abstract and hard to grasp takes on shape and beauty. There is a smile where I thought there would be, there’s a touch I couldn’t have imagined, and eyes that really are glowing. I’m praying that John’s time away these last couple months hasn’t hindered their connection... I know they cannot connect the same way baby and I do, but I so want there to be SOMEthing there before our little love makes his debut.