Monday was a big day. Almost crushingly big. John is gone now, although I did just get an email on our super secret spousal email! He's all drugged up on Ambien... Still Bitter and Sweet tend to cancel each other out, or make each other worse. I haven't decided yet.
John had to leave mere hours after finding out that his first child is a boy. He was here, and that is outstanding. But still, looking at that man as he rubbed my belly and thanked God for our SON... I don't think my heart has ever broken so completely. It's not going to get any better. Watching him kiss his infant or his toddler goodbye is not something I'm prepared for. Don't kid yourself, and please don't try to kid me. It will happen. But one thing I've learned in this strange little life God has given me is this: He has given me the strength to handle what He gives me, no more.... And never anything less. So once we get there, I will be fine, we will be fine. Our little boy will know nothing different. And he will be strong!
The Sweet is almost too much for my unstable, hormonal heart to bear up under! It is a boy, a he! I can't honestly say, though, that I would have felt any less for a girl... I think seeing his face again is the real thrill. I've been getting to know him, but was unsure about the signals I was getting... Yesterday just further established that this little man is the one I've known all these months. He moves and responds exactly as I expect him to. That doesn't mean he moves the way I WANT him to. He moved his legs every time she tried to measure. He wouldn't open his little fists so we could count his fingers. We had to go to extreme measures to obtain his head circumference! All along though, he was pushing his little face into my body, trying to hide himself in the safety of his mommy. He has found the tiniest, tightest crevasse to wedge himself into, and while it makes me pee 12 (no kidding) times a day, as long as I know he feels safe I'm alright with it! He has a strong heart, good bones, all his fingers (discovered after a bit of cajoling), and parents who love him very very much! I think he's gonna make it!
This one is kind of fun. I've never seen this vantage point before... It is the crown of his head (to the left) and his five finger tips (middle)! So, he's got his left hand across his face with his fingers up at his forehead! He's such a funny baby!
