Unbuttoned

Breast feeding is a volatile topic. Everyone has an opinion about it and every mom has a story. It's amazing to me how different the same, natural experience can be for every mom and every baby. Last Sunday I was nursing Ben in the nursery when a friend (a mother of two) walked in. Seeing us rocking in the chair she said, "uhg! I was so glad when I was done with that!" Another friend, who's baby has had a rough time nursing says every time she sees Ben eating, "oh, that's so beautiful!" I've always enjoyed it... At least I have since we got the hang of it! Those first few days were a little torturous!

Feeding Benjamin has taken on a different dynamic since John left though. I'm forced, every three hours, all day (and once in the wee hours) to take half an hour and just sit, relax, breath, and look into the most perfect face God has pieced together.

I have always struggled with anxiety and depression. I've been medicated (pretty heavily) for almost five years now. When John has deployed in the past I have doubled my dosage. When we started trying for a baby though, I got off of all my meds. But several weeks after Ben was born I had a little bout of postpartum depression, which I completely expected. I was put on a much safer drug and a very low dose... It's worked, but once John left I got edgy... Until Benjamin needed to eat!

John has been gone for several days now and I'm much more balanced than I could have ever expected. I know some of the benefits are hormonal, but being so close to that perfect little boy is salve on my wounded heart.