Raynaud's Nurse

My life has been centered around breastfeeding for a while now. It got more intense after John left because it was a way of making the time seem to fly. In all honesty I love it. I love everything about nursing. I've heard other moms say they feel like a cow. I thought that just one time (while I was pumping and someone else was giving Benjamin a bottle) and ended up on the floor of my shower sobbing for a full hour. Breastfeeding is, I think, the most amazing part if being a woman. I often say to John, "sorry you can't lactate." It was surreal to me to grow a person inside my body. To feel a tiny body get bigger and start to move and take on personality was shocking in the best way... But I didn't have to do anything, other than eat of course! Now, I have this little human who started out at just 7.5 pounds and is now over 15 and I did that! Everything that is making him strong, helping him learn, giving him energy had to go through me! Every time I sit down with Benjamin on my lap and offer him the best I can make I am sustaining his life. No one else does that. I. Sustain. Life. Amazing.

So, you can imagine how crushed I was when it stopped working so well.

Raynaud's is a vasospastic disorder. It affects the fingers, toes, and "occasionally other areas."* Essentially, the blood vessels spasm, forcing the blood out of the extremities. The extremities turn bright white (and sometimes blue or purple) and go totally numb. It can be triggered by cold temperatures or emotional stress. When it happens to my fingers I can't use them at all. My toes make me think there is a rock in my shoe because I can't feel the one that's numb but the toe next to it can... I was diagnosed about a year ago and it hasn't changed my life much. I can't go barefoot (even in the house) unless it's summer and I wear gloves when the rest of the world is enjoying the freedom of Spring. Interesting cultural reference: Raynaud's was mentioned in FlashForward (a terrible series on ABC that I'm into). It was a bad reference, but crazy to see it out there!

The "other areas" that can be affected are nipples. No one ever mentioned that to me (my lactation consultant said they probably don't know). So, about a week after John left (when I was under some emotional stress) I woke up in searing pain. I had a clogged duct, badly clogged. It took five nursing sessions done, basically, upside down to clear (that's one full day). Once we got through it I had this, "whew, that was BAD!" feeling along with serious releife that it was over. I even had some residual pain... Then, eight days later, it was back. After four weeks and five clogs I called a lactation consultant. She was shocked to hear that Benjamin was four months old and we were having problems. She told me to stop taking my calcium (that can sometimes cause clogs) and it should clear up in a few days. A week and two clogs later she came to see us. She could see where the clog was happening and that there was damage from working them out but didn't see a problem with my anatomy. She also didn't see any problems with our technique. Once Ben was done eating we went over my medical history. "I have Raynaud's" I say, off-handedly.

"You have Raynaud's?"

"Yeah." and I almost add, "do you know what that is?"

But she breaks in, "That's your problem!!!"

"Seriously?"

I don't know how I missed that. I should have been able to put it together. I was having vasospasms in my nipples and thought it was just part of nursing. Everything isn't better yet. I've had three clogs since I started taking supplements for the Raynaud's. It is a little better though. And honestly, the best thing is having hope that it's fixable. I don't know what I'd do if someone told me I had to stop nursing my baby. I'm pretty sure I would end up in the pits of despair!

*Wikipedia