Just Like Heaven

Today is our fourth anniversary. Four years ago, today John Miller and I promised to stay together forever, no matter what! Looking back on our short life together we are simply amazed by how blessed we are. We've been to three foreign countries together (all islands, interestingly), countless baseball games, and over a dozen states! We have the sweetest dog in the world, a perfect little house, and the most beautiful amazing loving brilliant baby ever born! We like to do the same things but mostly stay home just the two (now three) of us and be silly together. We have the most stimulating conversations I think two people can have and stomp each other at Jeopardy and Name That Band. Most importantly we both love the same God. We are both dedicated to His work and knowing Him more... Wow. What are the chances?!

The Long Road Home

We're days away, now, from John's homecoming! I've never been so excited to see him! This has been the longest TDY he's had since we were married, and is obviously the most difficult timing. Benjamin will be seven and a half months old when he gets home, so John will have missed more than half his life... I'm always a little nervous about John coming home (surprising as it may sound). There is always a time of adjustment contrary to the common belief that it is a purely honeymoon period. That's not to say we aren't happy... It's just a strange week or so! Just like everything else, this anxiety is magnified by the implications of being parents. Benjamin is a totally different baby. He's almost a child now. I'm not certain he'll understand who John is or be susceptible to his parenting. I know they will like each other though. John will be amazed by the leaps and bounds Ben has made in his development and I'm sure Benjamin will be enchanted with John.

Raynaud's Nurse

My life has been centered around breastfeeding for a while now. It got more intense after John left because it was a way of making the time seem to fly. In all honesty I love it. I love everything about nursing. I've heard other moms say they feel like a cow. I thought that just one time (while I was pumping and someone else was giving Benjamin a bottle) and ended up on the floor of my shower sobbing for a full hour. Breastfeeding is, I think, the most amazing part if being a woman. I often say to John, "sorry you can't lactate." It was surreal to me to grow a person inside my body. To feel a tiny body get bigger and start to move and take on personality was shocking in the best way... But I didn't have to do anything, other than eat of course! Now, I have this little human who started out at just 7.5 pounds and is now over 15 and I did that! Everything that is making him strong, helping him learn, giving him energy had to go through me! Every time I sit down with Benjamin on my lap and offer him the best I can make I am sustaining his life. No one else does that. I. Sustain. Life. Amazing.

So, you can imagine how crushed I was when it stopped working so well.

Raynaud's is a vasospastic disorder. It affects the fingers, toes, and "occasionally other areas."* Essentially, the blood vessels spasm, forcing the blood out of the extremities. The extremities turn bright white (and sometimes blue or purple) and go totally numb. It can be triggered by cold temperatures or emotional stress. When it happens to my fingers I can't use them at all. My toes make me think there is a rock in my shoe because I can't feel the one that's numb but the toe next to it can... I was diagnosed about a year ago and it hasn't changed my life much. I can't go barefoot (even in the house) unless it's summer and I wear gloves when the rest of the world is enjoying the freedom of Spring. Interesting cultural reference: Raynaud's was mentioned in FlashForward (a terrible series on ABC that I'm into). It was a bad reference, but crazy to see it out there!

The "other areas" that can be affected are nipples. No one ever mentioned that to me (my lactation consultant said they probably don't know). So, about a week after John left (when I was under some emotional stress) I woke up in searing pain. I had a clogged duct, badly clogged. It took five nursing sessions done, basically, upside down to clear (that's one full day). Once we got through it I had this, "whew, that was BAD!" feeling along with serious releife that it was over. I even had some residual pain... Then, eight days later, it was back. After four weeks and five clogs I called a lactation consultant. She was shocked to hear that Benjamin was four months old and we were having problems. She told me to stop taking my calcium (that can sometimes cause clogs) and it should clear up in a few days. A week and two clogs later she came to see us. She could see where the clog was happening and that there was damage from working them out but didn't see a problem with my anatomy. She also didn't see any problems with our technique. Once Ben was done eating we went over my medical history. "I have Raynaud's" I say, off-handedly.

"You have Raynaud's?"

"Yeah." and I almost add, "do you know what that is?"

But she breaks in, "That's your problem!!!"

"Seriously?"

I don't know how I missed that. I should have been able to put it together. I was having vasospasms in my nipples and thought it was just part of nursing. Everything isn't better yet. I've had three clogs since I started taking supplements for the Raynaud's. It is a little better though. And honestly, the best thing is having hope that it's fixable. I don't know what I'd do if someone told me I had to stop nursing my baby. I'm pretty sure I would end up in the pits of despair!

*Wikipedia

Unbuttoned

Breast feeding is a volatile topic. Everyone has an opinion about it and every mom has a story. It's amazing to me how different the same, natural experience can be for every mom and every baby. Last Sunday I was nursing Ben in the nursery when a friend (a mother of two) walked in. Seeing us rocking in the chair she said, "uhg! I was so glad when I was done with that!" Another friend, who's baby has had a rough time nursing says every time she sees Ben eating, "oh, that's so beautiful!" I've always enjoyed it... At least I have since we got the hang of it! Those first few days were a little torturous!

Feeding Benjamin has taken on a different dynamic since John left though. I'm forced, every three hours, all day (and once in the wee hours) to take half an hour and just sit, relax, breath, and look into the most perfect face God has pieced together.

I have always struggled with anxiety and depression. I've been medicated (pretty heavily) for almost five years now. When John has deployed in the past I have doubled my dosage. When we started trying for a baby though, I got off of all my meds. But several weeks after Ben was born I had a little bout of postpartum depression, which I completely expected. I was put on a much safer drug and a very low dose... It's worked, but once John left I got edgy... Until Benjamin needed to eat!

John has been gone for several days now and I'm much more balanced than I could have ever expected. I know some of the benefits are hormonal, but being so close to that perfect little boy is salve on my wounded heart.

People are mean.

Maybe it's because I was so mean when I was little, but I've made it a personal mission to be generally nice. It's actually not all that difficult, and it's made ME happier. Which begs the question: Why are people mean? And I don't mean specifically. I understand situational meanness... If someone is mean to you, you be mean back. It's human nature (if not only un-Christlike). But why be mean just to be mean?

For instance, foxnews.com put up a poll: What should DC call it's storms? I personally have been referring to them as Snowmaggedon. Other options are snowpocolyps, snowball warming, filiblizard (like filibuster...). After you vote you can comment and read other people's comments. It's been utterly bizarre to me how mean people have been in their comments. Yes, people are being mean about the news coverage of our record breaking snow storms. I realize other parts of the country get this much snow every year, but we don't. We've shattered our seasonal snow fall record by ten inches and we have more storms coming. The roads in Baltimore were literally shut down. When there is excessive flooding in the west I expect to hear about it. When a massive hurricane hits the gulf I expect to hear about it. If the north is covered in ice, I expect to hear about it. Why does our extreme weather inspire anger and hatred?

Maybe I'm just being sensitive... No, I AM being sensitive. I feel disconnected and isolated (by the storm, go figure) and we're only eleven days from a deployment. Uhg. I'm like a raw nerve, a raw nerve packed in ice!

My Affair

I have a love affair going on. He's short and doesn't have MUCH hair, but he's gorgeous! He has the most sparkly eyes I've ever seen and every time they lock with mine he's looking right into my heart! His smile is breathtaking, although it only flashes across his face, he's not an overtly emotional person. He is a little needy: always calling to me and waking me up at night... But I don't mind most of the time. He seems pretty content to just sit and look at me while I talk about trivial matters which makes me feel like the center of his world! John doesn't seem to mind. He seems to be in love with my prince too.