I had a chiropractor appointment and Benjamin was amazing. He was an angel. He obeyed, cooperated, stayed calm. I was SO proud of him. I told him, very much how proud I was as we walked to the car. I put him in the back seat and asked him to climb into his chair while I put the stroller away. Instead he clamored into the front seat... And fate stepped in.
There was a coffee in the center console cup-holder. It went right into the passenger seat. I opened the driver side door in time to watch the passenger seat gulp it down as Ben positioned himself in the driver's seat... I watched the coffee (complete with cream and sugar) come chugging out of the cup and felt the venom well up inside of me. The only thing I had to sop up what little I could was a small blanket, and because it was 22* out I couldn't take off my (new, lipstick red leather) gloves to try to make my (cursed, handicapped) fingers useful.
As the coffee disappeared into my new car the venom that was building pressure within me came chugging out like coffee from a styrofoam cup. Unlike the coffee I couldn't control, I could place this venom wherever I wanted. I chose my toddler. I sprayed hot, coffee-colored venom all over my precious boy in the form of screaming, yelling, throwing... And then silence. I called John so he could handle the logistics while I filled our drive home with silent, coffee-colored venom instead of the chatter, laughter, and singing that normally pervades our fresh-smelling car.
We got home and I did some screaming out of sight of that sweet boy before I got the call that we should bring the car right away to be cleaned. When I told my son that we were getting back into the car he lost it for the first time. He sobbed, "will hold you, please?! I need to stay home! We don't get in the car!"
We had a nice lunch with daddy. My car was thoroughly cleaned, inside and out, and so you'd think the venom would subside. It did not. The spewing continued throughout the hour and a half I tried to get him to nap (as if he could sleep in that sort of situation), and the evening until John got home, and even at bed time when he fought (just like he does every night) to not brush his teeth. I was a horrible person, a BAD mother that whole day. I could not sleep because I could not forgive myself.
I laid down in his crib after trying for over and hour to fall asleep. I lumbered, swollen belly first into that tiny space where Benjamin does his dreaming. I laid on my side in the half he was not taking up. He turned away from me, snuggle up to his pillow puppy and disconnected himself at every point of contact we had. I deserved this. I paid my penance. I silently cried as I prayed to God that he would not remember today, that the love I've shown him will make this a very tiny part of the picture he has of me. I begged God to protect his sweet little heart, to make me stronger and better, to give us time to recover from this venom. We laid there like that: he snuggling anything but me, my heart breaking as I stared at the back of his head for a long while.
Then he turned over. He flopped his whole body on top of mine and slid into the space in my bent arm that was made just for him. He put his hand on my face and went on sleeping, his little breaths lightly dusting my chin. Penance accepted. I don't know how long I laid there, long enough to get stiff. My bones cracked as a hoisted myself out of that little, deceptively sturdy crib. I felt better, almost healed.
