Unbuttoned

Breast feeding is a volatile topic. Everyone has an opinion about it and every mom has a story. It's amazing to me how different the same, natural experience can be for every mom and every baby. Last Sunday I was nursing Ben in the nursery when a friend (a mother of two) walked in. Seeing us rocking in the chair she said, "uhg! I was so glad when I was done with that!" Another friend, who's baby has had a rough time nursing says every time she sees Ben eating, "oh, that's so beautiful!" I've always enjoyed it... At least I have since we got the hang of it! Those first few days were a little torturous!

Feeding Benjamin has taken on a different dynamic since John left though. I'm forced, every three hours, all day (and once in the wee hours) to take half an hour and just sit, relax, breath, and look into the most perfect face God has pieced together.

I have always struggled with anxiety and depression. I've been medicated (pretty heavily) for almost five years now. When John has deployed in the past I have doubled my dosage. When we started trying for a baby though, I got off of all my meds. But several weeks after Ben was born I had a little bout of postpartum depression, which I completely expected. I was put on a much safer drug and a very low dose... It's worked, but once John left I got edgy... Until Benjamin needed to eat!

John has been gone for several days now and I'm much more balanced than I could have ever expected. I know some of the benefits are hormonal, but being so close to that perfect little boy is salve on my wounded heart.

People are mean.

Maybe it's because I was so mean when I was little, but I've made it a personal mission to be generally nice. It's actually not all that difficult, and it's made ME happier. Which begs the question: Why are people mean? And I don't mean specifically. I understand situational meanness... If someone is mean to you, you be mean back. It's human nature (if not only un-Christlike). But why be mean just to be mean?

For instance, foxnews.com put up a poll: What should DC call it's storms? I personally have been referring to them as Snowmaggedon. Other options are snowpocolyps, snowball warming, filiblizard (like filibuster...). After you vote you can comment and read other people's comments. It's been utterly bizarre to me how mean people have been in their comments. Yes, people are being mean about the news coverage of our record breaking snow storms. I realize other parts of the country get this much snow every year, but we don't. We've shattered our seasonal snow fall record by ten inches and we have more storms coming. The roads in Baltimore were literally shut down. When there is excessive flooding in the west I expect to hear about it. When a massive hurricane hits the gulf I expect to hear about it. If the north is covered in ice, I expect to hear about it. Why does our extreme weather inspire anger and hatred?

Maybe I'm just being sensitive... No, I AM being sensitive. I feel disconnected and isolated (by the storm, go figure) and we're only eleven days from a deployment. Uhg. I'm like a raw nerve, a raw nerve packed in ice!