Just Like Heaven

Today is our fourth anniversary. Four years ago, today John Miller and I promised to stay together forever, no matter what! Looking back on our short life together we are simply amazed by how blessed we are. We've been to three foreign countries together (all islands, interestingly), countless baseball games, and over a dozen states! We have the sweetest dog in the world, a perfect little house, and the most beautiful amazing loving brilliant baby ever born! We like to do the same things but mostly stay home just the two (now three) of us and be silly together. We have the most stimulating conversations I think two people can have and stomp each other at Jeopardy and Name That Band. Most importantly we both love the same God. We are both dedicated to His work and knowing Him more... Wow. What are the chances?!

The Long Road Home

We're days away, now, from John's homecoming! I've never been so excited to see him! This has been the longest TDY he's had since we were married, and is obviously the most difficult timing. Benjamin will be seven and a half months old when he gets home, so John will have missed more than half his life... I'm always a little nervous about John coming home (surprising as it may sound). There is always a time of adjustment contrary to the common belief that it is a purely honeymoon period. That's not to say we aren't happy... It's just a strange week or so! Just like everything else, this anxiety is magnified by the implications of being parents. Benjamin is a totally different baby. He's almost a child now. I'm not certain he'll understand who John is or be susceptible to his parenting. I know they will like each other though. John will be amazed by the leaps and bounds Ben has made in his development and I'm sure Benjamin will be enchanted with John.

Raynaud's Nurse

My life has been centered around breastfeeding for a while now. It got more intense after John left because it was a way of making the time seem to fly. In all honesty I love it. I love everything about nursing. I've heard other moms say they feel like a cow. I thought that just one time (while I was pumping and someone else was giving Benjamin a bottle) and ended up on the floor of my shower sobbing for a full hour. Breastfeeding is, I think, the most amazing part if being a woman. I often say to John, "sorry you can't lactate." It was surreal to me to grow a person inside my body. To feel a tiny body get bigger and start to move and take on personality was shocking in the best way... But I didn't have to do anything, other than eat of course! Now, I have this little human who started out at just 7.5 pounds and is now over 15 and I did that! Everything that is making him strong, helping him learn, giving him energy had to go through me! Every time I sit down with Benjamin on my lap and offer him the best I can make I am sustaining his life. No one else does that. I. Sustain. Life. Amazing.

So, you can imagine how crushed I was when it stopped working so well.

Raynaud's is a vasospastic disorder. It affects the fingers, toes, and "occasionally other areas."* Essentially, the blood vessels spasm, forcing the blood out of the extremities. The extremities turn bright white (and sometimes blue or purple) and go totally numb. It can be triggered by cold temperatures or emotional stress. When it happens to my fingers I can't use them at all. My toes make me think there is a rock in my shoe because I can't feel the one that's numb but the toe next to it can... I was diagnosed about a year ago and it hasn't changed my life much. I can't go barefoot (even in the house) unless it's summer and I wear gloves when the rest of the world is enjoying the freedom of Spring. Interesting cultural reference: Raynaud's was mentioned in FlashForward (a terrible series on ABC that I'm into). It was a bad reference, but crazy to see it out there!

The "other areas" that can be affected are nipples. No one ever mentioned that to me (my lactation consultant said they probably don't know). So, about a week after John left (when I was under some emotional stress) I woke up in searing pain. I had a clogged duct, badly clogged. It took five nursing sessions done, basically, upside down to clear (that's one full day). Once we got through it I had this, "whew, that was BAD!" feeling along with serious releife that it was over. I even had some residual pain... Then, eight days later, it was back. After four weeks and five clogs I called a lactation consultant. She was shocked to hear that Benjamin was four months old and we were having problems. She told me to stop taking my calcium (that can sometimes cause clogs) and it should clear up in a few days. A week and two clogs later she came to see us. She could see where the clog was happening and that there was damage from working them out but didn't see a problem with my anatomy. She also didn't see any problems with our technique. Once Ben was done eating we went over my medical history. "I have Raynaud's" I say, off-handedly.

"You have Raynaud's?"

"Yeah." and I almost add, "do you know what that is?"

But she breaks in, "That's your problem!!!"

"Seriously?"

I don't know how I missed that. I should have been able to put it together. I was having vasospasms in my nipples and thought it was just part of nursing. Everything isn't better yet. I've had three clogs since I started taking supplements for the Raynaud's. It is a little better though. And honestly, the best thing is having hope that it's fixable. I don't know what I'd do if someone told me I had to stop nursing my baby. I'm pretty sure I would end up in the pits of despair!

*Wikipedia

Unbuttoned

Breast feeding is a volatile topic. Everyone has an opinion about it and every mom has a story. It's amazing to me how different the same, natural experience can be for every mom and every baby. Last Sunday I was nursing Ben in the nursery when a friend (a mother of two) walked in. Seeing us rocking in the chair she said, "uhg! I was so glad when I was done with that!" Another friend, who's baby has had a rough time nursing says every time she sees Ben eating, "oh, that's so beautiful!" I've always enjoyed it... At least I have since we got the hang of it! Those first few days were a little torturous!

Feeding Benjamin has taken on a different dynamic since John left though. I'm forced, every three hours, all day (and once in the wee hours) to take half an hour and just sit, relax, breath, and look into the most perfect face God has pieced together.

I have always struggled with anxiety and depression. I've been medicated (pretty heavily) for almost five years now. When John has deployed in the past I have doubled my dosage. When we started trying for a baby though, I got off of all my meds. But several weeks after Ben was born I had a little bout of postpartum depression, which I completely expected. I was put on a much safer drug and a very low dose... It's worked, but once John left I got edgy... Until Benjamin needed to eat!

John has been gone for several days now and I'm much more balanced than I could have ever expected. I know some of the benefits are hormonal, but being so close to that perfect little boy is salve on my wounded heart.

People are mean.

Maybe it's because I was so mean when I was little, but I've made it a personal mission to be generally nice. It's actually not all that difficult, and it's made ME happier. Which begs the question: Why are people mean? And I don't mean specifically. I understand situational meanness... If someone is mean to you, you be mean back. It's human nature (if not only un-Christlike). But why be mean just to be mean?

For instance, foxnews.com put up a poll: What should DC call it's storms? I personally have been referring to them as Snowmaggedon. Other options are snowpocolyps, snowball warming, filiblizard (like filibuster...). After you vote you can comment and read other people's comments. It's been utterly bizarre to me how mean people have been in their comments. Yes, people are being mean about the news coverage of our record breaking snow storms. I realize other parts of the country get this much snow every year, but we don't. We've shattered our seasonal snow fall record by ten inches and we have more storms coming. The roads in Baltimore were literally shut down. When there is excessive flooding in the west I expect to hear about it. When a massive hurricane hits the gulf I expect to hear about it. If the north is covered in ice, I expect to hear about it. Why does our extreme weather inspire anger and hatred?

Maybe I'm just being sensitive... No, I AM being sensitive. I feel disconnected and isolated (by the storm, go figure) and we're only eleven days from a deployment. Uhg. I'm like a raw nerve, a raw nerve packed in ice!

My Affair

I have a love affair going on. He's short and doesn't have MUCH hair, but he's gorgeous! He has the most sparkly eyes I've ever seen and every time they lock with mine he's looking right into my heart! His smile is breathtaking, although it only flashes across his face, he's not an overtly emotional person. He is a little needy: always calling to me and waking me up at night... But I don't mind most of the time. He seems pretty content to just sit and look at me while I talk about trivial matters which makes me feel like the center of his world! John doesn't seem to mind. He seems to be in love with my prince too.

The birth of Benjamin Elliott

On Thursday, November 12th I woke up feeling pretty good. That morning I had my first cup of Third Trimester Tea and sat on the chaise with Conley in my lap while I used a bright orange pen to journal. I wrote about patience. I wrote about patient anticipation because my appointment on Tuesday was discouraging. There had been no change in my body since the week before. I had been so sure the baby was coming and then I was crushed. John had had Wednesday off so we took our last trip to Babies R Us and I realized he was waiting too, and this would be the end of just the two of us, so I would be patient and enjoy our time. "When am I ever going to be this pregnant with my first child ever again?" I wrote in bright, happy orange.

I spent the day putting away the new baby items and doing light house work. Around 1:30pm I laid down for a nap, Conley glued to my legs. I woke up on my own around three and thought about showering. However, when I sat down to pee I felt a strange pop. I looked down and there was a little dripping. "Did my water just break?" I figured if, in fact, my water was breaking I'd be really happy later that I had showered. I quickly took a shower and dried off, taking care to not drip on anything important, still thinking I may be mistaken... Once I was dry I tried to put on lotion but found it difficult to do because I had to stand in one spot or risk getting things wet. "Alright, this has to be it. What else would be coming out of me?" I called John and told him I thought I may have broken... He didn't really believe I could be so unsure AND in labor... I told him I wanted to go to the OB's office but would be really disappointed if I were, in fact, starting labor and he weren't there. He told the guys he was leaving, but may be back.

We met up at the OB's office but I still wasn't feeling anything. We didn't sit in the waiting room because we were both so nervous and, frankly, I didn't want to risk leaking on anything. Once we got to the exam room and could speak more candidly with one another as we waited we realized how excited and a little scared we both were. My contractions were beginning to become uncomfortable too. When we're nervous, of course, we make jokes... By the time the OB came in I was giggling so hard it forced every ounce of water out of my body, which made me laugh more. "You're in labor," she said definitively... "If it had been like this before," I told her, "I wouldn't have bothered to come in!" She checked my cervix for reference and I was at 4cm and 80% effaced. She wanted us to go right to the hospital (I was positive for Strep B so would need antibiotics asap), but we were totally unprepared. She had a pretty grave look on her face when she told us we could go home first, "but don't wait around," she said.

We got home and scurried to get things together. Conley was a wreck! He had no idea what was going on! I made myself a piece of cinnamon toast thinking I would be in labor until the next day and may not get another chance to eat. As John made himself a pb&j I started to get hectic inside and noted that the contractions were starting to make me nervous. We packed up the car and took the dog to PetSmart where he would stay until Sunday. While I waited in the car for John to sign Conley in I started to get really REALLY uncomfortable. Between PetSmart and the hospital John called his dad and told him I wasn't in any pain yet. "Oh no! This is pain, I'm in pain now!"

When we got to the labor and delivery ward the nurses said they were starting to worry we weren't showing up! We told them we had to take the dog to the boarding facility and they were all a little stunned and uncomfortable at the thought! We sat in the hallway for a few minutes waiting for our room, they were particularly full that night. I informed the receptionist that in two minutes I was going to take off all of my clothes with no regard for where I was. She called someone and we were in a room in the next minute and a half! Just in time!

By the time I was in a gown and in bed I was so distracted and focused I almost didn't notice they were putting in my IV (a source of real anxiety for me). John stood by my head and just kept telling me, "You're doing great, everything is fine, your body is working!" The first time I saw my own ob it was 6:45 and I had gotten to 6cm and 90%. John and I worked through lots of really tough contractions with no interest in how long or how far apart they were. They seemed to be much stronger much sooner than I had expected and I was honestly scared, thinking I wouldn't be able to do this for twelve hours. When the nurse checked me again at 7:30 and I was still at 6 cm I started to cry. "It's okay," John said, "your body is working, things are still happening even though there's no change..." He was awesome! I worked hard for the next half hour, really trying to visualize things opening and changing and softening. At 8 o'clock, when the nurse came back, THANK GOD! I was at 8 cm and my antibiotics were finished!! "You want to get in the shower?" Heck yes! John helped me up and into the shower, pausing for all the contractions.

The shower was amazing. John used the shower head to spray my lower back or my belly as I requested. I sat on the seat, crouched on the floor, leaned up against the wall... Just kept moving and breathing, loving the water! After about 45 minutes I started to feel like things were getting easier which made me think the water was stalling labor. John helped me towel off and get back into my gown. Walking back to the bed was surprisingly easy and I seemed to have this burst of energy. John got me into the side lying position I loved so much and then it hit. I had this.. contraction.. I cannot describe. It took every ounce of me to ride it and I threw up a little which immediately took my mind to "TRANSITION!!" All I could say was, "I want to get checked!" "What?" John said. "Call the nurse... I want to be checked!" He made the call, and in a very confused voice said, "my wife wants to be checked, or something." Two super contractions later the nurse came in and asked as she put on her gloves, "do you feel the urge to push." I just nodded emphatically as I grunted though another super contraction. "Okay! Don't!" I think the look on my face told her that wasn't much of an option. She told me to just make little grunts when I felt the urge, Dr. Goitom was still in surgery. She checked and I was at 10 cm and totally effaced. "We're ready!" she said, but she didn't think the doctor would be for another five or ten minutes. I really thought I was going to have my baby without a medical professional! Twelve minutes later the nurse came back and allowed me a few pushes before the doctor came.

When Dr. Goitom finally got to the room she checked me and smiled before she sat down to do paper work. John and the nurse helped me push for about half an hour. The nurse told me that the baby had a lot of hair. I was surprised he had any! I noted how much easier this part was, I so preferred it over the opening stage! After that initial half hour of pushing the nurse told the doctor we were ready for her. She walked over, put her things in order and just sat there... I'm still surprised by how much she didn't do! Although, I know our bodies are made for this..! After another eleven minutes (41 total pushing) Benjamin came right out and was placed on my chest. He was surprisingly quiet, he hardly cried after those initial few protests. His eyes were wide open and looking right at me! In those first few minutes everything about him was perfect! I say "those first few" because after about twenty minutes of snuggling on my chest his body temperature was dropping and he was grunting too much. Because of the group B strep Ben was at a high risk of infection. They want the antibiotics finished at least four hours before delivery... Mine had finished a little less than two hours prior. Benjamin went into the warmer and a nurse from the NICU came in and suctioned his lungs. That was the most angry he got in those first few days. Once they were done working on him he had to stay in the warmer but I was able to sit with him and sing all the songs he already knew. He laid there, very content, watching me sing.

It really was a perfect night!